It is so ridiculously past time to update this blog. I literally have started draft after draft and just got stuck...it wasn't coming I didn't know how to express what I was feeling or had felt. I really didn't want to move on with posting fun happenings and events until I had finished the cancer posts but I just didn't know what to write. This is how far I got on one of the drafts and this was over a year ago!!
I have been putting off writing the next post in this cancer journey. The next installment should be labeled The End. I kept waiting and waiting until I felt comfortable enough to think it and then to that next level--to type it. So each of the last scans have come and gone and the news wonderful. Yet with each clear scan it just feels like a short reprieve and it makes you just anticipate the next.
I've realized though that once you have gone through this experience that while the hospital and treatment part has ended there is still very much a post cancer world that we never could of thought about or understood. After going through one of the most intense treatments they have of course that would leave your body in a pretty terrible state. We were so focused on finishing the treatment and getting through number 8 that we didn't think about the next phase. Recovery and hoping that he would stay in remission. I have mixed feelings about that word. Remission. It brings peace and anxiety all at the same time. It feels like a reprieve, one you are very thankful for, but it leaves the door wide open for a return of the disease. It feels far from closure but the best thing you can hope for with this disease at this point.
It seems like forever in a way now but just like yesterday other times. We finished up Round 8 in late August of 2011 and I thought we would have this huge party to celebrate and it would feel amazing. It was nice in a way but he was still so sick from the treatment. I was a mess but didn't understand why because we were done with this hospital treatment marathon and here I was an emotional mess. It took me awhile to realize that it was because I had been running on adrenaline and heavens support that whole time. I was left just empty and exhausted and numb. People would ask me "Aren't you so relieved"...."I bet you guys are ecstatic"...but I couldn't feel anything. Not good or bad.. just numb....
So this is where I left it. Not exactly uplifting huh? Now with even more time having past I still can say I don't feel I can declare this the End. I can say however that I no longer feel numb. I remember feeling so guilty I wasn't "happy" enough with the treatments over. It made me feel like maybe I wasn't grateful enough or I was somehow broken and my emotions and head just weren't functioning right. How could I not have been running through the streets shouting for joy and singing a happy tune throughout the day. I understand now that I wasn't broken. I had just been through a terribly traumatic event in life and needed time to heal both physically and mentally. I wasn't the actual patient so in my mind then was that I had no reason or excuse for that response and just being a hot mess in general but now I see that being the caregiver was in its own way equally challenging and taxing.
I have come to terms with the fact it will probably never be The End and I see now that it is actually a good thing. I don't feel that everyday--some days I just wish Cancer would take all its "baggage" and leave our lives for good. Most days though I see that if we passed through this and everything went right back to normal we would have learned nothing.All the suffering would have been for nothing. This was one of the worst...actually it was the very worst thing we have dealt with as a married couple and yet it was a time where I felt closer to my Father in heaven than I ever had.
There is still so much good in the world. I saw such a beautiful side of humanity. I saw people of all faiths and background unite together in prayer and faith. It was astounding and inspiring.
Early on in the cancer journey the Stake President came to visit and asked what we had learned from this so far....I didn't have many answers at the time but I do now.The list could go on and on...I am still learning and seeing new things everyday. Here are just a few though.
I learned that in the darkest scariest times we have access to the most divine light and peace we can imagine.
...................... the world and the people in it are infinitely more good than given credit for
.......................there is as much value in learning to accept service and charity as there is in giving it. You don't get bonus points for suffering through something by yourself when you don't have to.
.......................bad things sometimes happen to good people and the bad things can make us better people
.......................Heavenly Father doesn't necessarily cause things to happen, but He allows them to. He however never leaves you alone to deal with it by yourself....unless I guess you choose that.
.......................that serving someone truly does develop a deeper level of love. I have always loved my husband but until I spent day after day helping this broken, sick man shower and get dressed(which was a very difficult task when you can hardly stand) did I see a new perspective of true charity and Christ-like love.
So while I can't say its the end or even begin in 1 post to explain all the perspectives and things I have learned from this journey it does remind me constantly of what is really important in life and all that I have been blessed with.I am thankful for what I've learned, I am thankful for the wonderful people and family in my life, and I above all else am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ that provide peace and comfort and even miracles in our lives continually.
