Life Doesn't Stop for Cancer--THE MIDDLE

It really didn't stop from there. As my life felt like it was falling apart--things around me actually did. Our car broke down big time, well $700 is big time to me anyway. Then I hit my own car with my van and dented it, not to bad though. Then I hit someone else on the way to the hospital and had to get a new bumper. The attic fan broke. Half the kids got pink eye. Then our lawnmower broke, got fixed, then broke again. I got pulled over on the way to the hospital and 2 minutes into my story of where I was going and why he was asking me if there was anything he could do for me. Really!? Perhaps not give me a ticket would be good for starters. He didn't :) That all happened the 1st couple of months.

Things continued like this almost the entire time. My stove broke. Had a major leak that required cutting up some walls and patching a pipe. Also a flat tire on my van. These things seriously all happened the same week. My family was visiting that week and between them all they took care of all of these issues. It was like that often...for everything inconvenient or just crazy that would happen someone was there at that moment to help before I even had to stress about how to take care of it.

Now I know these things are just part of life--they happen to everyone. Appliances and vehicles are no respecter of persons. It just was getting down right comical how many different things were falling apart at the same time we felt our life was.
Easter at the hospital

It was a crazy time. My life became getting up and getting kids off to school. Then my youngest 2 would go to one of my fabulous friends houses or a fantastic family member would come over. Whatever the case though I would have to pry their crying little bodies off of me. Not fun. Then go to the hospital spend the day nursing and trying to be positive and uplifting. Then come home in time for my kids to come home. Jump right in with homework, dinner, and all that good stuff. Bedtime was a nightmare--all our routines were pretty nonexistent and wow that made it so much more of a battle. I had this vision of in this family crisis that we would all(my kids and I) band together and everyone step up to amazing levels to pitch in and get along beautifully. Well that was a bit unrealistic I see now. I blame Hallmark movies for giving me this misconception of reality. There were still tantrums, still bickering, still messes everywhere and no one wanting to clean it and me having to be the clean police and enforce chores, and there was still groaning over scripture study. Really?! Come on let us come together and bond and be an amazingly spiritual harmonious team DANGIT!

I was running a million miles a minute, stretched beyond my own capacity--mentally, physically, and emotionally. Some days were better than others but most all ended with me completely and utterly spent, with nothing left to give. I felt exhausted and alone. I was surrounded by people daily but still felt alone. In those moments when all were finally in bed--most of the time way later than should have been--I sat in my room..alone..and longing for when things were normal and Kevin was just not there because of work and would be back in the morning. I had amazing friends and family but none could quite take that place where I had a void--missing my husband. I felt confident in the fact we could accomplish any trial together but he wasn't there in that capacity to tackle this hand in hand. It was different. He was weak, sick and suffering so much and while are hands technically were often connected it was in a very different way.. as I sat by his hospital bed. I haven't prayed that hard in a long time. In affliction and suffering our hearts truly our turned to our Heavenly Father. He in return encircles us with His love, comfort and peace. I felt it time and time again and am so thankful for that.

That peace saved my sanity time and time again. The treatment itself was horrible the fact alone of being in the hospital every 15 days for a week to get tortured--which included twice each treatment having a huge needle in your back remove some spinal fluid and then inject chemo in your spine. That was all bad enough but it didn't end there it was the unexpected things that kept coming up that were scary, painful, or both that pushed us all even closer to that edge.

He ended up back in the hospital a few times that were not supposed to happen. He had a fever (really bad when you have no immune system) so he had to stay for 3-4 days. Then he got really dehydrated and had to stay overnight into the next day. Then his throat swelled shut and he literally couldn't swallow. While he was in for that which was so incredibly painful they found he had a pneuomothorax (a little whole in his lung) so they had to put a chest tube in which is very very painful the whole time especially when you are so weak. That ended up being over a week in the hospital which then ran into his next treatment so in all he was there for 2 straight weeks and he was miserable and restless and in so much discomfort and pain. I have never seen someone so broken and depleted. It felt like we just couldn't catch a break. We were on a constant roller coaster of tests and waiting for results to find out our fate.

I could elaborate on all of these events but now having been removed from it for awhile, I'm not sure every gruesome detail is really all that important to recount now. What is important is that in all of this--the things breaking--the hospital drama--the kids being kids--all of it there was someone there. I was strengthened beyond my ability..I could really feel that extra heavenly support. We also had countless acts of kindness. The timing of visits or phone calls or emails or whatever the method were down right inspired. Kevin's mom and I became accomplished at hospital life and she was either great company for me or able to take shifts(as well as his other family members) so I could take care of my other responsibilities too. We were all making it work. I also had countless tender mercies straight from my Father in Heaven that let me know he was going to allow this to happen to us but He was aware of me and He loved me and He would show that in little but profound ways that touched my soul.

I turned to this scripture over and over and it became an anchor to me.

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; though shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands. Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee......D&C 121:7-10

This brought me perspective...things were bad..really bad but it could have been worse in so many ways. We had an amazing support group that met all our needs even needs I didn't even know I had until it was taken care of and I was so appreciative. We had so many standing beside us with their warm hearts and incredibly friendly hands. I truly had not lost everything..in fact I had an amazing opportunity to see how much our family had all along.